Letting Her Go
by Xx-Regina-Phalange-xX
Summary: Kate gets a letter from an old friend. T for bit of language.


Since I'm not at all patient enough to wait to post up my first story in a long time, this is raw and mostly uneditted. Its also very different than my other storys because most of it's in Josh's POV. It's also Josh/Kate, though still Kate/Castle, so don't start throwing things please.

VNMVNMVNMVNMVNMV~

_I remember trying not to stare the night I first met you. You were standing out in the waiting room, set apart from the family whose little girl I'd just operated on. Your hair was a mess, as was your make up, streaked down your face from crying. You looked as if you hadn't slept in days, although the girl had just arrived an hour ago._

_ At first, I assumed you were with the family, maybe just taking some time to yourself, but when I called out, "Yervec", you didn't move anything but your eyes, which locked on me. The family jumped up and ran to my side, bombarding me with questions, and I watched you the entire time, as I told them their little girl was ok. I saw your face change from fear to relief in seconds, and then something that puzzled me. Seconds later, I could see a wall go over your features. A mask. You were calm, collected, a cop, though I didn't know this at the time. You walked away with dignity and indifference, though you were crying a river of joy inside._

_ Two weeks later, I met you again in my office. This time, you flashed your badge and interrogated me, the mask in place. I finally got why you had been the way you had, but I was curious still why you were there. I couldn't stop thinking about it. So, when you left, I ran after you, begging you to go out with me. You gave me a blatant no and tried to walk, but I persisted, and finally, you gave in. I was so happy, but I tried not to show it. Emotion didn't seem to be a thing for you._

_ That Wednesday I took you out for coffee, although you're the one who picked the place and ended up paying for it. You were a strong woman. I could tell that right off the bat. So that's why I didn't push right into my questions. I asked you out for the next day, but you missed it. I would soon learn that would happen often._

_ On Saturday, I took you out to a fair. You were okay, but only truly happy when you got to throw the basketball, baseball, or whack the mallet. You didn't like the slow rides. You were always on the rollercoasters or such. We ate ice cream and then we ended up kissing right outside your building. It was quick, but when you pulled back, I saw a fight in your eyes. Between sadness and turmoil, and joy. You left me standing there, wondering what had made you this way._

_ I hadn't told you yet, but I loved you then. The way you moved, the way you smiled (although rare), the way you kissed. And I thought about you all week before we finally went out again, when I asked you straight out why you were fighting me. You dodged the question for a few, but finally you blurted it out. That's when I learned about your relationship with Richard Castle. I didn't read the newspapers often, nor the magazines, so this was the first time I'd learned about your partnership, though you refused to call it that for a long time._

_ I didn't know then how big a problem this was for you then, though now I see it as clear as day. The topic of Castle didn't come up for a long time after that. We kept on dating, getting closer. You started to kiss me, to hold my hand, though you were hesitant. Always hesitant. I tried to help you get over who I considered a jerk of an ex-boyfriend, though I learned later you two had never dated._

_ But what goes up must come down, and it started the day he came back. You told me you had arrested him, for something you didn't believe he could do. You were hurt all over again, and I just wanted to beat up the guy for causing you this pain. But, after he was proven not guilty, you two were back as partners, and I got less and less of you. And when you were around, he was the main topic. To complain about mostly. Sometimes I wondered what I was here for. Was a just a substitute?_

_ I barely catch learning about your mother's death, and it hurts me when I find out Castle knew about the murder after only a few months of knowing you, and voluntarily. All I got was, when I asked about meeting your parents, and you told me I could meet your father, I asked about meeting your mother. You told me she was dead and that wall was up again. Conversation over. I only found out she was murdered when you broke it off with me, and even then, I don't think you meant to say it._

_ The scary thing was, the farther you drifted from me, the more I fell in love with you, and the more I wanted you to feel about me the way you felt about Castle, though that possibility kept on dimming._

_ Then you were shot. When they brought you in and I looked down on your face, I wanted to scream, and I almost did. A doctor came in and took me from you, made me leave, and suddenly I was angry, and I knew who to take it out on._

_ I met Castle in the hallway, ready for a fight. I shoved him, screamed at him, and placed all the blame on a single man. I know it was wrong, but at the moment, it felt right. And I even watched him struggle to stand, as if the weight of the world was on him. Jealousy over took me and a smirked, thinking, 'Good.' Oh Kate, if I could take it back, I would. I didn't know you'd push him away for three months. I didn't know goddammit._

_ I deserved it, you know. The break up we had. You screamed at me and I took it. I remember hardly giving you a glance as I walked out that door, and still, I wish I'd fought for you, though I know it wouldn't have made much of a difference. _

_ I remember several years later, reading about the proposal in the paper, one of the few times I actually glanced at it. He took you to the rooftop where you first met him and dropped on his knee. A paparazzi shot shows you too kissing, and in your face, I see no war, no hesitation. You're beautiful, and happy, and though it twists my gut, I'm glad you're happy._

_ I can just see you and him having a beautiful family, growing old and happy up in that loft, always together. I know I'll find another. I'll fall in love, have kids, raise a beautiful family and be content. But you, Kate, my love for you will always grow, and it won't ever stop._

_Goodbye Kate_

_Josh_

* * *

><p>Kate whipped the tears from her eyes and sat back in the couch, rubbing her stomach absently where the tiny bump lay. She folded back up the letter and placed it tenderly back in the envelope. She hadn't known he'd loved her. He'd only ever said he cared, listened to her every rant and rave, and she had never known how much he'd hurt.<p>

She sighed and closed her eyes. She was happy, truly. Castle was the love of her life. She just wished Josh could be happy. She had never meant to hurt him so deeply, but she had, and there was no changing that.

Her eyes flickered to the door to Castle's study. It was firmly shut and no sounds but the click of keys came from the dim lighted room. Kate rolled to her feet, cursing his ridiculously sunken couch he refused to sell. She straightened her clothes and looked back down at the letter, still lightly clutched in her hand. She sighed again and tip toed to he-their room. Gliding around their bed, she pulled open the closet and reached up for a shoebox on the top shelf. She opened it up on the floor. Inside lay her mother's ring, curled round in a neat circle. She smiled softly and listed it out, stroking the silver chain, before lowering the letter in, then curling the ring back in a circle on top. She paused a minute, but then closed it up and put it away, closing the closet with a soft click, sealing away her sadness for the time being.

~VNMVNMVNMVNMVNMV~

See, that wasn't so hard. *Smilez* Hope you loved it. Oh, and just so you know, it's inspired by _Then by Brad Paisly._


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